**Phantom Pains of the Past**

In the quiet corners of my mind, I do find memory of dances still,
I wonder how life treats you, if it’s kind, and if it’s been fair.
Do you still twirl your straw in your drink as you think,
Are you still seeking a thrill, if you walked in today would I speak?
Or would I turn away, feigning blindness, should you be there?

Our inside jokes echo, a laughter that never fades,
Old shirts, photos, clippings, relics of a shared past.
When by chance an acquaintance from the past asks, I do avoid your name.
Yet, if you called, could I ignore it, and let the connection degrade,
Pretending to know deafness, for this heart has moved on at last.

We tread through a love, deep and true yes, yet it tinged with so much pain,
A bittersweet palette, with hues of joy and sorrows did blend.
Although I always want your day to be bright and for you to win life’s battles.
I have no desire to wade back into that mire, to rekindle the burning flames,
For it was a swampy ground, where even strong roots bend.

In everyday moments, your presence still lingers, as an uninvited guest,
While I am making spaghetti, lighting candles, or when rain begins to speak on my evening walk.
It’s evident that the broad path led to a narrow road and was meant to lighten my load.
Autumn leaves carpet the ground, your voice a haunting vestige in my mind,
Yet in prayer, I send hope your way, for it is happiness, for both of us that I seek.

But truth be told, I’ve erased your name, from the lists, from my mouth and life,
Not just yours, but theirs too, so many of those we both once knew and called friends.
They were filled with toxicity and decay, the cuts, breaks and the scars had to heal.
They’re amputated from my heart, excised with a surgical knife,
Phantom pains do still haunt, yet it’s the memories that see me through.

Great loves, close friendships, perhaps were designed to fray,
Imperfect beings, we are, hurting each other as we ourselves strive to grow.
I do not think that was ever a part of God’s great plan, yet Satan deceives us all.
In finding myself, I had to let go, if pain I caused, I hope forgiveness finds its way,
For not one ever means to be collateral damage, in life’s ebb and flow.

I’m not sorry to see any of them go. No, I find solace in their absence, as I grow.
Glad for the severance, from the burdens and the pain, I do not wish to know anymore.
It’s not that I have forgotten at all, I just chose not to visit the old battlegrounds.
They were chapters of my life, now closed with grace and reverence,
Grateful for the lessons, but thankful it’s time to close that door.

When the window was opened, I found a new me I’m lighter, more complete, a little closer to being whole,
No longer burdened by their troubles, my strength is found. I am standing on solid ground.
Though each one played a precious part, I was given a life adorned by grace and a new heart.
I think of all of them fondly, and I wish them no harm, but it’s okay for me to let go.
I must control, my narrative, and my peace, on this new path, to that I’m eternally bound.

So here I stand, amidst life’s garden, free from guilt and shame,
Embracing the better path, of leaving muddy waters behind.
I just do not live in that house anymore, and I must learn how to live life anew.
Old friends, old loves, in my past they will firmly remain,
For it is in the letting go, that my true self that I can finally find.

Copyright 2024

Brenda Bayless